Today, I'm at Rite-Aid buying some discounted Easter candy, and I spot a figure from my past buying a single Hot Pocket. Lets call him Alfred. Alfred was a kid from my church youth group who I was OBSESSED with back in 2001. No offense Pastor Bob, but Alfred was pretty much the only reason I went to church. Surprisingly (HA), I was less than discrete with my adoration for him. I bet he could tell that I didn't actually like the sport of rollerball. There is no way, however, that he could deny the chemistry we had with each other when we worked together on our rap about Moses and his awesomeness.
So I see Alfred and go up to him to say hello. I mean, we were in the same Sunday school class and youth group for seven years and it's always nice to catch up with old friends. After exchanging niceties, he just took a breath and said, "so I guess we can hang out or something (I didnt even ask him to, P.S.), but besides that, I don't think I'm up for anything else. I mean, I kinda remember you liking me and stuff so I don't want to send you mixed signals." .........EXCUSE YOU?!?! Ugh, get over yourself, douche! Do you think I still doodle your name on my church program?? Do you think after nine years, I still get giddy when I think about the time you sat next to me in the church van on the way to our mini-golf trip?? NO, fool! A lot of things have changed since nine years ago. You don't see me walking around town in my Buffy the Vampire Slayer t-shirt, do you? You don't see me wearing a whole tub of body glitter gel from Claire's all over my skin and hair, do you? Nope.
Although I have been known to be, how would you say, "stalkerish" (such a harsh word!) at times, what girl hasn't committed postal crimes? Who hasn't broken into and entered a dorm room or car? Who hasn't stolen a date book or hacked into a computer to find someones class schedule? Excuse me for having awesome detective skills and dedication. Even though I have no regrets about previous actions, I am proud to say that my efforts have gone from illegal to just slightly creepy. And ya know what? Im okay with just slightly creepy. Do I embarrass myself and my accomplices at times? Most likely. Do I ever make people feel slighty uncomfortable? Sure! But I promise not to boil any bunnies like Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction, and I promise not to sabotage your drug test so that you are kicked off the team like Erica Christensen did in Swimfan. Calm down.
So, I could not let Alfred continue to think that he was hot shit. I told him that I obviously hadn't liked him since the summer before 9th grade (false, winter of 10th grade) and that I was seeing someone and it was pretty serious (false, not seeing anyone) and that I actually had to run since I was late for a meeting (false, I was planning on sitting in my car and eating my discounted candy). I left Alfred in the aisle, debating which Hot Pocket to buy. He's a nerd. I could have given him the (stolen) contact info of at least 15 people who I have been "involved" with since him who could assure him that I don't linger on them years later like an STD. Ugh. Whatevs.
*Tip: Do NOT profess your love to someone on AIM on Christmas morning. Just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean the result will be positive. It will not end up like an ABC Family movie. So I've heard.