Sunday, April 11, 2010

An open letter to all Snuggie haters

Dear Snuggie Haters of America,

Why can't you just let a girl get her Snuggie on, literally!? As an avid Snuggie enthusiast, I can not explain the rage I feel when I hear people putting down that better than cashmere wonder. Along with those little heat packets that I used to stick in my ski gloves when my dad, Bobbarino, thought it would be a great idea to make a 7 year old girl stay out on super advanced skiing trails in the middle of blizzards for up to 5 hours, the Snuggie is the greatest warming invention ever. Any person above 5'8'' knows that when you just want to curl up on the couch and watch 10 hours of Lifetime when they have marathons of movies like Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? and A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story, the worst thing is when you get under some inappropriately shaped blanket (why the hell do they even make square blankets?! Spongebob doesn't like Lifetime!) and that damn blanket hits you mid-shin. WHAT. THE. SHIT. Why must I choose between frozen toes and a chilly neck?! The Snuggie allows me not to make that Sophie's choice! Before the Snuggie, I had to wear this if I wanted full warmth.
Duck footies, no more! But I will keep them, just because they are duck footies.

The Snuggie is so great, that I often wear it out in public. I am tired of seeing your judgey faces every time I step out in my blue buddy. All of you pedestrians, cyclists, and skateboarders don't have to worry when I drive in my snuggie. I have come up with a rigging system so that it doesn't become a driving hazard (anymore). I have better things to do with my time than hit you with my vehicle. And ya know what? If you DO see me swerving towards you, it's not because of my long, baggy Snuggie. It's because you still think its okay to ride a Razor scooter, and I need to teach you a lesson.

The Snugs is also a great party outfit. As a group of 25 Semester at Sea kids can tell you, the girl who surprises everyone and shows up to a Colorado vacation house wearing her snugs is bound to be the life of the party!*Note: faces have been blurred to protect innocent parties who may be too ashamed to associate themselves with a Snuggie wearer.

And when that life of the party forgets that it's necessary to consume more than screwdrivers and wine slurpees (delish) in a 24-hour period and she passes out, her friends can have a great time draping her snuggie over her and putting fake flora on her and taking photos. Oh, speak of the devil!

Possibly my favorite time to wear my snuggie is at the movie theater. YUP. The movie theater. If I'm paying $10.75 to see this damn movie, you bet your fat ass I'm gonna be comfortable while doing it. And bitch, maybe my Snuggie wants to check out Avatar, too! See what all the damn hype is about. I dare you to say something to me, movie theater worker. See if I don't bring Fluffington Chandler Mays III (my pillow, obvi) next time, too. You wanna play froggy? Jump. Oh, and by the way, I snuck a slurpee and donut into the theater. What about it?

Listen, I understand the Snuggie is not for everyone. You have no desire to wear my Snuggie, and I have no desire to wear your eggplant colored Juicy Coutour sweatsuit with a bejeweled crown on the back of the hoodie and on the thigh of the pant leg. To each his own. But before you completely write off the Snuggie or continue to judge me for loving mine, look at this picture of Bobbarino. How could you hate something that puts this precious smile on a hardworking mans face on Christmas morning???

Lindsay, who is nice and warm from head to toe, Mays

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