Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Rose DeWitt Bukater and an entire Cantaloupe.

Think back to the year 1997 when you and all your little power-bead wearing friends were going to see Titanic in the theater for the 4th time. One of the scenes in the movie that always stands out to people is the one where Kate Winslet is lying in the middle of the ocean on a door or some shit. She is blankly starting at the beautiful night sky, completely numb to everything around her. She has gone through a truly horrific event and she is still in danger, but she seems so defeated and traumatized that she has no fight left in her (this is before she starts to spastically blow that whistle). She is dazed and can only muster enough energy to sing a whimper of some creepy, child killer in a horror movie type song. THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW, EXCEPT TO THE 11TH POWER. I am lying on a proverbial door in the middle of the ocean. Rose DeWitt Bukater hit an iceberg, well guess what? I hit a damn glacier. Stop complaining and start swimming. The reason for my current near-catatonic state is because of a chance encounter with The Detox Diva.

Last week, I was at the gym with Jen, my trainer, when some woman with a bunch of pamphlets walks in and begins talking to all the old women and Guido wannabees (the only people who go to my gym…its retro fitness…nuff said) who walk into the gym. Oh, by the way, I don’t know if Jen is my trainer’s actual name. We’ve been working together for a few weeks, and I didn’t really catch it the first time we were introduced. I don’t have any contracts or anything with her name on it, and she doesn’t wear a nametag, so I just went with Jen. I’ve thought about asking her what it is, but seeing as that we have spent roughly 17 hours one on one together in the last month, that might be a little weird. What I sometimes do in that situation is say, “Oh, how do you spell your name? I’ve heard it spelled differently a bunch”, but the last time I did that, this guy replied, “B-O-B”…But I digress. So on my way out, I stop to chat with this lady, the Detox Diva. I usually never fraternize with these types of salespeople, but I figured I had to stall time anyway because I couldn’t drive yet due to a lack of muscle control. “Jen” thinks it’s a fun game to make me bench press 400 pounds for 25 minutes at a time. Basically, this lady promotes a body detox that can last from 3 days to 3 months that’s supposed to cleanse your entire body from harmful toxins. One of the main reasons I decided to give it a whirl was because this detox aids weight loss and I had just seen a picture of Blake Lively and I decided that I was gonna be a size 2 by Christmas. Of 2011. Oh, and for all you men-folk who may not be familiar with female dress sizes, I’m only about a size away from that.

So on this detox, I can only eat raw fruits and vegetables. The fruit thing is no problem, but the veggies are a different story. Um, I will eat lettuce and carrots. Not even real carrots, but baby carrots. Not even baby carrots, but SHREDDED baby carrots. I have to shred my carrots because I’ve been nursing a pretty ripe cavity for some time, and shockingly, my current job of googling headbands and spying on my neighbors doesn’t have the best insurance plan. My tooth doesn’t bother me too much, as long as I avoid contact with sweet foods, cold foods, hot foods, chewy foods, or hard foods. Otherwise were golden. I figure I can put off the dentist until my teeth start looking like those of an Appalachian toddler who has spent its entire life drinking drinking Mountain Dew out of a baby bottle. Or the other Lindsay from Long Island, that Lohan ho. So, yes. I have to shred my carrots. I hate tomatoes. I used to like cucumbers when I was little, but that was when my mom would cut that jelly shit out of the centers. Once I discovered that cucumbers didn’t naturally come like that, that mess had to go. A) Too much work to de-jelly and B) Its gross. My problem with veggies is that I like eating them, but most of them need to be cooked since I…am not a Neanderthal. So that drastically cuts my options, but I decided to do this non-sense anyway. The Detox Diva warns me of some of the possible symptoms I might experience on my 5-day detox, and I’d like to take a few minutes to tell you about how I’ve been doing with these symptoms.

Hunger- On this detox, I can eat as much raw fruit and veggies as I want, but its key that I eat a lot of leafy greens which is filling and extra helpful for the detox. DD so perkily suggested that I drink a “green monster” every 5 hours while awake. A green monster is a concoction of a handful of spinach, a handful of chard, a stalk of celery, a lemon, an apple, a banana, and berries of my choice “as a treat”.
1. HA. HA. HAHAHA. HA. That’s a cute suggestion, DD.
2. Bitch, don’t you dare try to trick me into thinking I could make this shit doable by tossing in a few raspberries. A strawberry will not make this taste like a strawberry fribble.
3. Everyone knows I’m the world’s pickiest eater, and I do NOT mix foods. I still eat off of a sectioned plate. I wont put a topping on my ice cream because I don’t even get how that would work. I pick the tips off my French fries before eating them. My sister once fed me lasagna with chicken in it, and I almost threw that ho out of her apartment window. It would have been easy, too, because her windows don’t even have screens. #MySisterLivesLikeTheMurdererFromGhost. #SwayzeForever. So you want me to put what and WHAT together? And then you want me to do WHAT with it? No, no, no. Homie don’t play dat. OMG it was so hard for me to type “dat” just now. So instead of a “hearty” green smoothie for breakfast, I instead had this. Oh swell. So lets see what I ate today. An apple. Two grapefruits (why hello, acid reflux and stomach ulcers. So glad you could join the party). A bowl of spinach with some lemon juice and pepper as dressing. I’m not even gonna go into that. A cantaloupe. Whoops, let me repeat that incase you didn’t understand- I had an ENTIRE cantaloupe for dinner. I washed all that down with some anger and bitterness.

Around 8pm, the time I would usually like a little dessert, I went to my freezer, bypassed my impressive ice pop collection which was probably getting freezer burned (mommy misses you!), and pulled out my pathetic little baggie of frozen grapes. DD told me that frozen grapes is a wonderful little treat and I should pretend I’m eating ice-cream bon-bons. DD, have you ever HAD an ice-cream bon-bon? This jiggly ass grape tastes NOTHING like ice cream! Do not patronize me! I am not a fool. Don’t give me a piece of rock candy and tell me it’s a diamond. Shit, do you know what I would do for a piece of rock candy right now? Anyway, this is not Hook. I cannot pretend like I’m dining on some wonderfully/creepily bright colored food, when in reality, its just porridge. I am not Rufio (I wish) and I am not up for this. DD is a rude, crude, lewd, bag of pre-chewed food dude. Ette.

Fatigue- Lets all go back to a magical movie named Sandlot. Remember when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez got his brand new PF Flyers? Remember when he heard the great bambinos voice telling him that heroes get remembered, but legends never die? Remember when he hopped over the fence to go get the ball and made it back safely? Remember when Hercules hopped over the fence for revenge? Remember how Hercules then chased Benny through the alley? And then through the movie theater? And then through the town picnic? And then under a big cake? And then through the pool where Wendy Peffercorn worked? And then back to the Sandlot where his friends were already waiting because Squints told them about a shortcut? And then Hercules bit Benny’s shirt? And then Benny hopped back over the fence, but when the dog did it, the fence fell on him? Then Benny helped him? Then Hercules licked Benny’s face? Well, as tired as Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez was after pickling the beast for 8 minutes, that’s how tired I was when I walked to my mailbox this afternoon. The lack of a normal diet has made me a weak zombie, and I had to pickle my own beast today. The beast being my sidewalk.

Irritability- A nice way of me telling you all that I have been a major bitch. I now get Sawyer from Lost. He wasn’t really an asshole, that poor man was just hungry! How Hurley didn’t end up killing anyone in a hunger-rage-blackout is besides me. Tonight, Dar-Dar tried to do a nice thing and brought me a pack of gum to “keep my mouth busy”. She tossed it on the couch next to me, and I started my Hulk transformation. I rocketed that pack of Juicy Fruit so hard at her skull while screaming that I couldn’t have sugar. I then LITERALLY started crying. I experienced so many emotions in that moment that I was about to start writing poetry. POETRY. Yuck.

I was driving home today and I knew that a Wendy’s was coming up, and I swear on my Zac Efron pillow that the wheel started turning towards it on its on. I somehow fought the wheel and just looked away and thought about the delicious meal of water and a granny smith waiting for me at home. I was in the right lane, and some fool in a Hyundai crosses 2 lanes of traffic and cuts me off! I don’t know if I have gotten into my road rage in previous blogs, but let me tell you- I have a lot of it. If that weren’t bad enough, he cut me off TO TURN INTO THE WENDYS! Really? You have to go to Wendy’s now? That fucker knew I was detoxing. Salt. In. Wound. And THEN, the light right in front of the Wendy’s turned red! So I had to sit in front of that fucking Wendy’s for 47 fucking seconds, watching that fucking Hyundai in the fucking drive-thru line eat all of MY fucking spicy nuggets. I hope they only gave him 9 instead of 10.

Hallucinations/Weird, Depressing Behavior- This is a true story picture that I drew today while coloring with the little girl I was babysitting.

Those are mozzarella sticks. Breaded, not batter-dipped. Those little green dots are the flecks of seasoning that is often used in the breading of mozzarella sticks. The red puddle is the marinara dipping sauce. That yellow stuff coming out of one of the sticks is the mozzarella cheese that is oozing out of a stick that I had already bitten. And if this picture came to life right now and someone offered me a mozzarella stick with that rancid looking yellow cheese, you can bet your bottom dollar ass that I would eat that shit up. I want to say that it is NEVER okay to draw appetizers. Unless you are an artist being paid by Friendly’s to design their new menu, it is NEVER okay to draw appetizers.

Oh, and this is on day one of my detox.