Sunday, May 6, 2012

Fresh Mozzerella in the Marcy Projects

As many of you know, I have a sister named Roz. Roz is (for the most part) a very reliable, kind, and smart person. Her main faults are her strong affinity for Timberland products, her unfortunate collection of "kooky hats", and some unsavory online dating matches (sorry to put your shit on blast, sis). Roz is also not one to turn down a free meal. She's not greedy, but lets say that she is not afraid to work the system (the system being our parents) for some grub. I can appreciate a good hustle. And because my mom pictures her as a starving child trying to make it in the ghetto's of India, she doesn't hesitate to send her 28 year old child groceries. Recently, Roz sent out her list of foods that she "wouldnt mind taking off of our hands". Lets take a peeky-peek. ******************************************************************************* Meats/Seafood 1. Chicken breasts 2. boneless pork chops (I like the thick cut ones) 3. Sandwich Fixins 4. 1lb of roast beef or Maple Glazed Honey Turkey 5. 1/4 lb sliced provolone 6. Miracle whip 7. relish Fresh Stuff 8. fat free or part skim ricotta cheese (any brand) 9. cucumbers 10. tomatoes (any kind) 11. red,orange or yellow peppers 12. strawberries 13. salad 14. golden potatoes Non-Food 15. 2 storage bins for linens 16. 3 containers to store flour and sugar (they dont have to be huge because my cabinet shelves are short) 17. plastic wrap for wrapping meats and freezing them 18.sandwich baggies non-vital items 19. fresh mozzerella (Bel Giosio if they have it, but any brand is fine) 20. shrimp 21. salmon 22. london broil or any lean steak 23. canned corn 24. frozen broccoli 25. oranges 26. plums 27. pears 28. necatrines 29. bananas 30. cantaloupe 31. whole wheat egg noodles 32. wax paper 33. lemons ***************************************************************************************** First of all, don't ever write "fixins" again. Second of all, what the fuck is this? Mariah Carey's concert rider? Is this what Christina demands Carson Daly to hand deliver to her every night before The Voice? OKAY. As a broke, 20-something, you should be asking for food because you need the essentials. This should be like a soup kitchen or a food bank. Times should be rough, like in the Marcy Projects. Are they eating Bel Giosio fresh mozzerella and salmon in the Marcy Projects? I don't remember hearing Jay-Z rapping about Bel Gioso fresh mozzerella and salmon in any of his early tunes. Nectarines?? No. No exotic citrus fruits. You can get enough vitamin C from some generic oranges, thank you. Whole wheat egg noodles? You will get half or no wheat, and you will like it. "Maple Glazed Honey Turkey". Pour some Mrs. Butterworths on a chicken patty and call it a day, sis. And I love how she has "non-vital" items, like her blood will stop pumping if she doesnt have the stuff in the other categories. Oh, no! I will stop breathing if I don't have my provolone! Im positive that once I head out on my own like Emile Hirsch in Into The Wild, I will long for a nice care package from home, but come on. Crustaceans? Really? Crustaceans??

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Dear Abby, My Spanx are longer than my skirt! What's a girl to do? Help! Sincerely, Lumpy on Long Island

Pee Couch

Before I got fired (to be addressed in a later blog), I used to babysit for these two swell little tots. There was a five year old girl who looked like a Caucasian Dora the Explorer except chunkier (no judgment), and a boy who could have been anywhere between 5 months and 3 years. Honestly I have no idea how old this kid was. All I know is that he was old enough to stand, but apparently too young to realize that shit goes in a toilet and not in ones pants. I didn't even know his name until the 3rd time I babysat. The parents called him precious boy and his sister called him bobo. I called him child. So fat, white Dora liked to play a game called lets pee in inappropriate places and stress the babysitter out. This particular evening, she decided to be mean to one Ms. Jennifer Convertible. I watched as she climbed onto the back of the couch cushion, and slowly, the tan cushions became dark brown as a Grinch smile creeped across her face.
To make matters worse, she was wearing a skirt with no underwear on because thats just how fat, white Dora rolls, so there was nothing to help lessen the force of the stream. It was a LOT of urine, and there was no wiping it off of this suede couch. I was so nervous when the parents came home, but I told them what happened and they laughed at me. "Lindsay, you clearly don't have kids. They pee on that couch all the time!" Wait. Wait. Wait. Why is this happening? Why is this normal? Why are you going to make tea and not attending to the piss-filled couch cushion, mom? Why are you going to check your e-mail, dad? Why am I dealing with all of this when I'm only making pre-teen babysitter money? And why did no one tell me that that was the designated urine couch before I lounged on it for 2 hours?

Friday, May 4, 2012

Eddie Winslow and the Fuzzy Silk Shirt

SO, this lanky-ass loser who sadly sits three cubies away from me at work thinks that the smooth fashions that men of color (Will Smith, AJ Slater, Cockroach...) sported in the 1990's is a smashing look. His name is Eddie Winslow. I believe his birth name is Joseph, but Im fairly certain that Eddie Winslow is his actual name, so thats what I call him...while talking about him behind his back because I've never actually spoken to Eddie. Everyday, I am visually assaulted by his black sitcom-y apparel. Let me tell you, this fool LOVES a good color-blocking. "Hmmm, what shall I wear today, closet? Oh, a black shirt with one burgandy sleeve and one teal sleeve? Good choice!" WTF, no its NOT a good choice! And all of his shirts are made of that weird fabric thats like fuzzy silk. That is literally the best that I can describe this fabric. Fuzzy silk. He is also not known to turn down a geometric shape. Think of the Fresh Prince episode when Will and Tyriq wore the same shirt to Hilary's catering job.
Unless you are on your way to a Boyz II Men or Bell Biv DeVoe concert with a shorty named Shanice or Tanya with an "a" on your arm, change your fucking shirt. And take off those 5,000 pleat plants while you're at it.