Saturday, May 5, 2012

Pee Couch

Before I got fired (to be addressed in a later blog), I used to babysit for these two swell little tots. There was a five year old girl who looked like a Caucasian Dora the Explorer except chunkier (no judgment), and a boy who could have been anywhere between 5 months and 3 years. Honestly I have no idea how old this kid was. All I know is that he was old enough to stand, but apparently too young to realize that shit goes in a toilet and not in ones pants. I didn't even know his name until the 3rd time I babysat. The parents called him precious boy and his sister called him bobo. I called him child. So fat, white Dora liked to play a game called lets pee in inappropriate places and stress the babysitter out. This particular evening, she decided to be mean to one Ms. Jennifer Convertible. I watched as she climbed onto the back of the couch cushion, and slowly, the tan cushions became dark brown as a Grinch smile creeped across her face.
To make matters worse, she was wearing a skirt with no underwear on because thats just how fat, white Dora rolls, so there was nothing to help lessen the force of the stream. It was a LOT of urine, and there was no wiping it off of this suede couch. I was so nervous when the parents came home, but I told them what happened and they laughed at me. "Lindsay, you clearly don't have kids. They pee on that couch all the time!" Wait. Wait. Wait. Why is this happening? Why is this normal? Why are you going to make tea and not attending to the piss-filled couch cushion, mom? Why are you going to check your e-mail, dad? Why am I dealing with all of this when I'm only making pre-teen babysitter money? And why did no one tell me that that was the designated urine couch before I lounged on it for 2 hours?


spelmanite said...

AHHHHH my GOD. I cant believe this happened.

Sarah Moody said...


Latanya Rene said...

Fat Dora really should have had panties on.

Anonymous said...

I find that quite liberating! I had a girl friend who would remove her sons dirty nappy and let him sit on the couch with a poopy smelly arse and pissy crotch. I was a bit surprised.
If your employer designated it the peeing couch that's up to them, it's their couch, but I suppose it would be embarassing to say to visitors 'don't mind the smell we piss on that couch all the time!' I wonder if the parents ever sit on it and think well its covered in piss already why bother getting up and piss on it too!

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