Here’s a little story for you. During my two-month stint as a highly disgruntled employee at a little sweatshop known formally as The Gap, I decided I wanted to try something new. As you all know, I am a big fan of my middle name, Chandler. When I filled out my application to stand for five hours at a time and fold khakis in a dark basement until my fingers bled, I decided to say that while my name is Lindsay, I have always gone by Chandler. Lies. I thought it would be fun! Wrong. Many times during my employment, I would hear, “Chandler to the registers! Chandler to the fitting rooms! Chandler, fix the Muzak, its skipping! Chandler, wipe the lint out of the vents!” over the secret service ear-pieces we were required to wear. And what would I do when I heard "Chandler" being called? Absolutely nothing. Never once did I remember that I was suppose to be Chandler, the happy worker, and not Lindsay, the bitter and tired slave. Only when my evil manager would twirl HER handlebar mustache (no, it was seriously a handlebar mustache) and yell at me for not responding, would I remember my alias. I was eventually “let go”. Those Communists. Long story still pretty long, going by your middle name is never a good idea. Unless, apparently, you are a fake Canadian rapper named “Drake.”
Half the time, I want to kick that guy in the sack, and the other half of the time, I want to mother so many of his children. I am aware that one act may hinder the success of the other act, but that’s a risk I need to take. YOUR NAME IS NOT DRAKE! YOUR NAME IS AUBREY GRAHAM! IF YOU DON’T LIKE AUBREY GRAHAM, YOU CAN GO BY JIMMY BROOKS, KID IN A WHEELCHAIR WHO WAS SHOT BY THE KID WHO BEAT UP HIS FAT GIRLFRIEND!
I’m sorry for the Kanye formatted rant. Let me back track for all of you who are not familiar with Canadian tween programming. There is a little gem of a show in the land to the north of us named Degrassi. Degrassi WAS an awesome show about slutty kids ranging from Grade 8 to University (that’s what those crazy Canucks call school) who do drugs, get STD’s, cheat on science fair projects, deal with hate crimes, have bad haircuts (spinner), have pregnancy scares, have pregnancies, have girls vs boys band wars, etc. It sounds like every other show on the CW, but it really was awesome. The slogan is “Degrassi…it goes there”. That should sum it all up. Somehow, this show is on The N, nickelodeons teen channel, and is deemed appropriate for little kids. Whatevs. Anyway, one of the old cast members was a nice boy named Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy liked to shoot hoops with his guy pals, take his bi-polar girlfriend on dates to the movies to catch a flick, and was an all around great guy. One day, this loner kid named Rick flips out because everyone hates him because he beat up his fat girlfriend named Terri. So of course he brings a gun to school. Guess who gets shot. JIMMY! Now his hoops dreams are dashed, he's stuck in a wheelchair, and he has to deal with erectile dysfunction. Poor Jim. So life gets better for him, he lives each day to the fullest, leaves Degrassi, blah blah blah. Wondering what Jimmy looks like? Let me show you a picture.
GADZOINKS! THAT’S NOT JIMMY! THAT’S AUBREY! NO, THAT’S DRAKE! AHHHH, WHO IS IT?! IM SO CONFUSED! Yes, boys and girls, the “man” who you know as “Drake” is an imposter. Let me tell you something, “Drake”. You can sing all about caressing women, and how to treat a lady right, and how she’s the best sex you’ve ever had, but you can’t fool me with those beautiful eyes and that mulatto skin. I know your deal. Don’t think you can just change your name and become cool. I TRIED IT. DIDN’T WORK. Embrace your roots. You will always be that little Canadian child actor. And does your buddy, Lil Wayne know about your “hard” past? Does he know about your little stint on a kids show? Does he know that in Grade 8, your best friend Spinner tried to peer pressure you into having sex with Ashley, but you chickened out and the two of you spent the evening laughing, blowing up condoms and watching movies? Does he know she dumped you because you spent too much time at her house and were too clingy? How did you get all this street cred? Lie on your resume? And that brings me to other rappers as well. Uhhh, Cornelius aka Nelly? Bernard aka Jizzal Man? Clifford aka Method Man? All these people are frauds! If these guys were as cool and self-assured as they claim, they should be comfortable with their given names. Next time I see Method Man strolling down the street, I’m going to say, “Hey, Clifford! Hows it going buddy?” You just wait.
I really do not know why this Drake thing angers me so. Maybe I need to work more on separating the real (Aubrey Drake Graham) from the make believe (Jimmy Brooks, student at Degrassi High). I don’t care though. I don’t care how much he sings about how much he loves me and my reproductive organs and what he wants to do with them. I mean, I don't care how much he sings about how much he loves the ladies and their reproductive organs and what he wants to do with them. Jimmy Brooks forever! Get out of here, “Drake”.
Go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ7UCm6uxNc&feature=related and go to the 30 second mark. If I make up a rap like that, can I get signed to Young Money, too?