Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Drake, I mean Jimmy, I mean AUBREY!

Here’s a little story for you. During my two-month stint as a highly disgruntled employee at a little sweatshop known formally as The Gap, I decided I wanted to try something new. As you all know, I am a big fan of my middle name, Chandler. When I filled out my application to stand for five hours at a time and fold khakis in a dark basement until my fingers bled, I decided to say that while my name is Lindsay, I have always gone by Chandler. Lies. I thought it would be fun! Wrong. Many times during my employment, I would hear, “Chandler to the registers! Chandler to the fitting rooms! Chandler, fix the Muzak, its skipping! Chandler, wipe the lint out of the vents!” over the secret service ear-pieces we were required to wear. And what would I do when I heard "Chandler" being called? Absolutely nothing. Never once did I remember that I was suppose to be Chandler, the happy worker, and not Lindsay, the bitter and tired slave. Only when my evil manager would twirl HER handlebar mustache (no, it was seriously a handlebar mustache) and yell at me for not responding, would I remember my alias. I was eventually “let go”. Those Communists. Long story still pretty long, going by your middle name is never a good idea. Unless, apparently, you are a fake Canadian rapper named “Drake.”

Half the time, I want to kick that guy in the sack, and the other half of the time, I want to mother so many of his children. I am aware that one act may hinder the success of the other act, but that’s a risk I need to take. YOUR NAME IS NOT DRAKE! YOUR NAME IS AUBREY GRAHAM! IF YOU DON’T LIKE AUBREY GRAHAM, YOU CAN GO BY JIMMY BROOKS, KID IN A WHEELCHAIR WHO WAS SHOT BY THE KID WHO BEAT UP HIS FAT GIRLFRIEND!

I’m sorry for the Kanye formatted rant. Let me back track for all of you who are not familiar with Canadian tween programming. There is a little gem of a show in the land to the north of us named Degrassi. Degrassi WAS an awesome show about slutty kids ranging from Grade 8 to University (that’s what those crazy Canucks call school) who do drugs, get STD’s, cheat on science fair projects, deal with hate crimes, have bad haircuts (spinner), have pregnancy scares, have pregnancies, have girls vs boys band wars, etc. It sounds like every other show on the CW, but it really was awesome. The slogan is “Degrassi…it goes there”. That should sum it all up. Somehow, this show is on The N, nickelodeons teen channel, and is deemed appropriate for little kids. Whatevs. Anyway, one of the old cast members was a nice boy named Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy liked to shoot hoops with his guy pals, take his bi-polar girlfriend on dates to the movies to catch a flick, and was an all around great guy. One day, this loner kid named Rick flips out because everyone hates him because he beat up his fat girlfriend named Terri. So of course he brings a gun to school. Guess who gets shot. JIMMY! Now his hoops dreams are dashed, he's stuck in a wheelchair, and he has to deal with erectile dysfunction. Poor Jim. So life gets better for him, he lives each day to the fullest, leaves Degrassi, blah blah blah. Wondering what Jimmy looks like? Let me show you a picture.
GADZOINKS! THAT’S NOT JIMMY! THAT’S AUBREY! NO, THAT’S DRAKE! AHHHH, WHO IS IT?! IM SO CONFUSED! Yes, boys and girls, the “man” who you know as “Drake” is an imposter. Let me tell you something, “Drake”. You can sing all about caressing women, and how to treat a lady right, and how she’s the best sex you’ve ever had, but you can’t fool me with those beautiful eyes and that mulatto skin. I know your deal. Don’t think you can just change your name and become cool. I TRIED IT. DIDN’T WORK. Embrace your roots. You will always be that little Canadian child actor. And does your buddy, Lil Wayne know about your “hard” past? Does he know about your little stint on a kids show? Does he know that in Grade 8, your best friend Spinner tried to peer pressure you into having sex with Ashley, but you chickened out and the two of you spent the evening laughing, blowing up condoms and watching movies? Does he know she dumped you because you spent too much time at her house and were too clingy? How did you get all this street cred? Lie on your resume? And that brings me to other rappers as well. Uhhh, Cornelius aka Nelly? Bernard aka Jizzal Man? Clifford aka Method Man? All these people are frauds! If these guys were as cool and self-assured as they claim, they should be comfortable with their given names. Next time I see Method Man strolling down the street, I’m going to say, “Hey, Clifford! Hows it going buddy?” You just wait.

I really do not know why this Drake thing angers me so. Maybe I need to work more on separating the real (Aubrey Drake Graham) from the make believe (Jimmy Brooks, student at Degrassi High). I don’t care though. I don’t care how much he sings about how much he loves me and my reproductive organs and what he wants to do with them. I mean, I don't care how much he sings about how much he loves the ladies and their reproductive organs and what he wants to do with them. Jimmy Brooks forever! Get out of here, “Drake”.

Go here and go to the 30 second mark. If I make up a rap like that, can I get signed to Young Money, too?


Sarah said...

i thought this entry was going to be about the new little snots that are on degrassi now. OR about how everyone moves from degrassi to crappy shows on the CW. i love this entry nevertheless. but i'm torn. because i love drake as well. he has been my second favorite degrassi boy (after sean obviously) since i can remember. i don't care what he calls himself as long as he never leaves my tv screen

Anonymous said...

I hardly leave comments, but i did some searching and wound up here "Drake, I mean Jimmy, I mean AUBREY!".
And I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you do not mind.
Is it simply me or does it appear like a few of these remarks come across as if they are coming from brain dead folks?
:-P And, if you are posting on additional online sites, I'd like to keep up with everything new you have to post. Would you make a list of all of your shared pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

Here is my web page; visit website
my website: click here

Anonymous said...

Woah! I'm really enjoying the template/theme of this blog. It's simple, yet effective.
A lot of times it's challenging to get that "perfect balance" between usability and visual appeal. I must say that you've done a awesome job with this.

In addition, the blog loads super fast for me on Chrome.
Exceptional Blog!

Take a look at my weblog: see more
My site: into nubiles net jay taylor beautiful girl next Door jay taylor masturbates

Anonymous said...

I read this article fully about the resemblance of
newest and preceding technologies, it's remarkable article.

Check out my blog post ... after Teen Gangbangs

Anonymous said...

Great post. I was checking continuously this blog and I am impressed!
Very helpful info particularly the last part :) I care for such information much.
I was looking for this particular info for a long time.
Thank you and best of luck.

my web-site; See More

Anonymous said...

Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say
that I've truly enjoyed browsing your weblog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again very soon!

My web-site ... click here

Anonymous said...

What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge regarding unpredicted

Also visit my web site: The porn reviews

Anonymous said...

What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge regarding unpredicted feelings.

my blog; The porn reviews

Anonymous said...

Asking questions are genuinely good thing if you are not understanding anything completely, except this paragraph presents good understanding even.

Here is my web-site: click here

Anonymous said...

Peculіar articlе, exactly what I needed.

Alѕo visіt my site; Lloyd Irvin

Anonymous said...

hello there and thank you for your info – I've definitely picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise several technical points using this web site, since I experienced to reload the website many times previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I'm
complaining, but slow loading instances times will often affect
your placement in google and could damage
your high-quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords.
Anyway I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of your respective intriguing content.
Ensure that you update this again very soon.

Look at my page ... visit the Following page

Anonymous said...

My web site; website

Anonymous said...

Have a look at my blog web page

Anonymous said...

Hi, i think that i saw you visited my weblog thus i came to
“return the favor”.I am attempting to find things to enhance my web site!
I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!

Feel free to visit my homepage; book auf ra kostenlos spielen

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thank you, However I am going through troubles with your RSS.

I don't understand the reason why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anybody having identical RSS issues? Anybody who knows the solution will you kindly respond? Thanx!!

Also visit my blog post ... great post to read

Anonymous said...

Peculiar article, totally what I was looking for.

Here is my web site ... workouts to improve vertical jump

Anonymous said...

I do not even know the way I stopped up right here,
however I thought this post was once great. I do not recognise
who you might be however definitely you're going to a famous blogger if you aren't already.

Here is my web blog: workouts for vertical

Anonymous said...

This piece of writing will help the internet viewers for building up new webpage or even a
weblog from start to end.

Feel free to visit my web page; Pure Green Coffee Bean Extract

Anonymous said...

It's truly very difficult in this full of activity life to listen news on Television, so I simply use the web for that purpose, and take the hottest information.

Here is my web blog; click here

Anonymous said...

Good day! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if that would be ok. I'm absolutely enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.

Here is my web-site ... Appliqué

Anonymous said...

It's really nice that you've taken the time and energy to help those out there who are searching for resources on this subject.
Your serious commitment to getting the answer out there appears to
be amazingly beneficial and has enabled college students
much like me to come to their goals. Do know that
this work means a lot to all of us.

Also visit my web-site - indianapolis air charter

Anonymous said...

Nice write up. I study something like this here at University of Iowa.
It's truly inspiring to learn writing from other writers and observe a little bit from their source. I’d like to utilize some of this material on my own page (if you don’t mind). Naturally, I’ll offer a link to %target_domain% on my blog. Kudos for sharing.

Visit my web blog :: inverness

Anonymous said...

At last, after looking through http://thebutchersgotbeef. for some time, I found a site from where I was able
to actually receive helpful answers regarding the studies and the knowledge that I want.
There need to be more things like this on Textpattern

My blog - 24381

Anonymous said...

I feel like I've seen this page earlier on , but upon spending a while on here it's clear that this is a new web page.
Anyways, I'm certainly glad I stumbled upon it and I'll be bookmarking it
and checking back often.

Check out my site :: אופנה

Anonymous said...

With havin so much written content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?
My website has a lot of completely unique content
I've either written myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my permission. Do you know any techniques to help prevent content from being ripped off? I'd truly appreciate it.

Also visit my web blog;

Anonymous said...

I rarely comment, but I looked at a few of the responses
on "Drake, I mean Jimmy, I mean AUBREY!". I do have
some questions for you if you tend not to mind. Could it be only me or does it
look like some of the comments come across like they are coming from brain dead people?
:-P And, if you are posting on other sites, I would like to follow you.
Would you list of the complete urls of all your shared pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

Feel free to visit my blog: workouts to Improve vertical

Anonymous said...

Hello to all, how is all, I think every one is
getting more from this website, and your views are pleasant in support of new people.

Feel free to visit my web blog :: golden retriever labrador retriever

Anonymous said...

My spouse and I stumbled over here from a different web address and thought I might check things out.

I like what I see so now i'm following you. Look forward to finding out about your web page for a second time.

Also visit my web-site :: quality cream golden retriever puppy content

Anonymous said...

Hi, I would like to subscribe for this weblog to obtain
most up-to-date updates, thus where can i do it please assist.

Look into my homepage :: exercises to increase vertical

Anonymous said...

Simply desire to say your article is as surprising.

The clearness in your post is just nice and i can assume
you are an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed
to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the
rewarding work.

Also visit my web blog; excellent tiny goldendoodle facts

Anonymous said...

I constantly spent my half an hour to read this blog's articles daily along with a mug of coffee.

My web site ... black labrador golden retriever mix

Anonymous said...

What's up to all, since I am actually keen of reading this website's post
to be updated daily. It contains fastidious information.

Stop by my web page Wikipedia Reference

Anonymous said...

I visited several web pages but the audio quality for
audio songs current at this site is in fact marvelous.

Here is my site: terrific lab golden mix content

Anonymous said...

This post offers clear idea in support of the new people of blogging, that genuinely how to do running a blog.

Here is my blog ::

Anonymous said...

I am not sure where you are getting your info, but good topic.

I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more.
Thanks for magnificent info I was looking for this info for
my mission.

Also visit my site ::

Anonymous said...

Hi there very cool site!! Man .. Beautiful .. Superb .. I will bookmark your
site and take the feeds also? I'm satisfied to seek out numerous useful info here within the submit, we want work out extra techniques in this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

Feel free to visit my web-site:

Anonymous said...

My partner and I stumbled over here from a different page and thought I might check things out.
I like what I see so i am just following you.
Look forward to looking over your web page repeatedly.

My page visit

Anonymous said...

It's going to be ending of mine day, except before finish I am reading this fantastic article to improve my experience.

Also visit my weblog; workouts for vertical jump

Anonymous said...

Pretty element of content. I just stumbled upon your website and
in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually loved account
your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing to your feeds
or even I fulfillment you get right of entry to persistently fast.

My web site: Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags

Anonymous said...

еxcellent submit, verу іnfοrmative.
I ponder why the othеr experts of thiѕ sectoг don't realize this. You must continue your writing. I'm cοnfident, уou have a huge rеaders' base already!

My webpage: lloyd irvin

Anonymous said...

Ρlеase let mе knοw if уou're looking for a article author for your site. You have some really great articles and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I'ԁ аbѕolutely lоνe tо ωrіte sοme
content fοr yоur blog іn exchange fоr a link bacκ to mіnе.
Pleаsе senԁ me an e-mаіl іf inteгesteԁ.
Μany thankѕ!

My blog ρost reputation management

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just your articles?
I mean, what you say is important and all.
But think about if you added some great pictures or video clips to give your posts more,
"pop"! Your content is excellent but with pics and clips, this site could undeniably be one of the most beneficial in its niche.

Great blog!

my weblog ... get redirected here

Anonymous said...

My brother suggested I would possibly like this blog.
He used to be entirely right. This post truly made my day.
You can not believe just how much time I had spent for this information!
Thank you!

my webpage :: buy term papers online