Hello, family, frends, and hopeful secret admirers. I am back. I wanted to wait a little while before my next post because I don’t want everyone to think I’m just bitter and whiny. But lets be honest. There have been a weeks worth of eye rolls, expletives, and road rage building up, and they are dying to be typed out. Lets start with this.
NO, I DON’T HAVE A JOB. LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP ASKING. So, for the past couple (couple usually means two, but for this, it means two plus a lot more) of months, I have been unemployed. At first, it was FUNempolyed. Fifteen hour marathons of Law and Order: SVU? Bring on Ice-T’s ponytail (rest in peace)! 2pm trips in my pajamas to four different grocery stores looking for Five Alive? Well worth the gas money I don’t have! But after the bad Tyler Perry sitcoms take over daytime TV on the days there is no SVU, and after I have exhausted all of my efforts to discover the best citrus drink of my childhood, things aren’t so much fun anymore. When the mailman calls you by name (Leslie…) you realize its time to hit Craigslist a little harder. So yeah, having no job blows chunga, but I’m working on it. In the meantime, stop asking me how the job hunt is going. If I don’t have a fucking job, obviously it's not going well! Dummies. Oh, the search is going fantastically! I’ve been offered several $100,000 jobs, but I turned them down because I enjoy driving over to my grandma’s housing complex multiple times a day so I can help all her old-ass friends reach their crock pots on high shelves, and help recover their stray Keds and cats from under their beds.
The job question is one of those topics that you have to talk about politely, when in reality, you want to punch someone in the kidneys when they bring it up. College acceptance? Well, I got rejected from 8 schools (including my top three), wait-listed at two, and into one, thanks for asking. My diet? Yeah, I had to lie on the floor, stick a wire coat -hanger through the zipper of my jeans, and pull for dear life in order to get them zipped, thanks for asking. Prom date? Hmm, if I remember correctly, he sent me an e-mail a couple (this time, it's literally two) of days before prom saying he actually couldn’t take me because he wanted to hang out with his cousin instead, thanks for asking. And almost prom date, if you are reading this, please refer to my last blog post. I’ve (kinda) recovered. I hold (almost) no grudge. To everyone else, if I have good news, I will hire the pilot who flew those Tiger banners over the Masters to write my news in the sky. Otherwise, take a pill.
And on a different note, and I am totally aware this is completely selfish, I’m over all the facebook good news statuses. This is not suggesting people stop sharing their happy career news because as soon as I get a gig, that shit will be written in caps on the book, but for right now, I’m just a bitter hypocrite. I'm so glad you’re a Disney Imagineer, let me go pick up my moms dry cleaning. Congrats on becoming an assistant designer at Ralph Lauren, I need to go run out to my mailbox before the mailman comes so I can return my Netflix. I know I’m a horrid person, and if I actually like you, I AM genuinely happy for you, but for the majority, I can’t help it if my jaw clenches a tad at your news. Boobs.