Sunday, April 18, 2010


Exactly four years ago, it began it's reign of terror. Two losers (one who finds it necessary to contort her face and talk out of the side of her face while whining about her love problems on the creek) created an evil little "girl" who would begin her quest to dominate the world. Its name is Suri Cruise.

Okay, I know (people think) that she is just a harmless child, but that is what she wants everyone to think. She has managed to mesmerize and brainwash America into thinking that her lifestyle is adorable. It's not! She's crazy! I'm not even convinced she's only four! She is a woman in a childs body. She's like that girl from Orphan, a grown woman who just doesn't age. She's like a reverse Jack. That is a reference is to awesome movie featuring Robin Williams and a post-fly-girl, pre-Selena/Anaconda J.Lo. I see this picture and think, "Hmm, when did Samantha from Sex and the City dye her hair?" All this thing does is shop and lunch! Note to TomKat: they DO have a thing called pre-school! Ask little Violet Affleck! That happy little child is just so darling and well-rounded. I bet she can count. The only math Suri does is when she tries to figure out how much shes spent on her Black card.

Let me break down my issues with Suri:
1. The hair- get that audacious little bob out of my face! Ahhh, I'm so cute, ahhhh, I'm so cutting edge, ahhh, I'm such a trendsetter. Get out of here! You're not Anna Wintour, even though your wardrobe costs more than hers. Suri thinks that with a simple shake of her sassy hair, she can get away with anything. Ya know what? Shes right! All you fools let her get away with murder cuz she has cute hair. Do you know whats cuter than a bob on a three year old? A gheri curl on a four year old.

2. The clothes- THE GIRLS GOT HER OWN FASHION BLOG. If I hear one more person call that thing stylish, I'm gonna chunga all over this place. When everything you have is Burberry, Stella McCartney, and Dior, its gonna be hard to look like shit no matter what combo you choose."Suri has such a good eye for clothes. She often picks out my outfits and says, 'mommy, don't wear that with that. Put this on instead' and sure enough, her choice looks amazing!"- Katie "Kate" Holmes, crack-smoking mother. Joey Potter, even a slug could tell you that your lame cuffed baggy jeans and boxy blazers are a no-no. Your kid isn't special, she's just not blind! And Suri, put on some pants! Whatever, little girls look cute in dresses, blah blah. When it's December in NYC and you're strutting around the UES like you own shit, I don't wanna see your tiny knees shaking because you are so cold. Maybe that silk sundress isn't the best choice in 27 degree weather?? According to Katie, Suri refuses to wear pants. I would say bribe her with a cookie, but you KNOW Suri is on a diet and doesn't eat carbs.

3. The shoes- My blood pressure is rising. Christian Louboutins? CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTINS!? Are you kidding me?! I can't take it. Im waiting for Payless' BOGO so I can get some new shoes, and shes parading around in CL's. Won't they get ruined when she's out playing with the other kids? Oh, wait. She doesn't play and she doesn't like anyone under that age of 41. Does a three-year-old REALLY need custom heels?! How is she supposed to shop all day with sore feet? At least she has all of her $130 a pop Bonpoint raw silk mary janes when she wants to go caj. (OMG, I just realized I dont know how to write the abbrev for casual! What a trav.)

4. The accessories- Custom made Birken, Marc Jacobs, and Ferragamo bags? I'm done. What does she have to put in there besides her lipstick, credit cards, Blackberry, Vogue, business cards, ear muffs, and pashmina??

This may seem a tad harsh, but so be it. Something about her seems so shifty. I just don't trust those dark little eyes. Maybe I'm a tad jealous. I'd love to not go to work, not go to school, and just spend my time lunching with friends, hitting up Bergdorfs, checking out Broadway shows, and getting carried around everywhere, but thats not the case. I get a very good sense of people early on. I predicted during episode 2 of season one of Gossip Girl that Jenny Humphrey was going to turn into a major bitch, and noooooo one believed me and where is Jenny Humphrey now? She's Constance's new mean girl who likes to sabotage her gay stepbrothers relationships, steal her stepsisters hot boyfriend, and make fashion pieces that serve as drug carriers.

1 comment:

Me said...

You are my hero. Thank you for saying what the rest of the sane people were thinking.