Friday, April 9, 2010

A mothers love

The bond that a mother has with her child is a bond like no other.
I promise to explain this cat picture at a later date and time.

There are times, however, when that mother would like to bond her child's hands behind her back and tie her down to a chair when that child is being "annoying". My own mother, Dar-Dar Binks, is a lovely woman who is quite easy to enrage. So what do I do for fun when I'm bored? Push some buttons.

Most family fridges have kids pictures, report cards, and birthday party invitations on them. Ours have post-its of hate on them. When Dar-dar Binks gets angered, she says some truly great things, and I decided to write them down and post them on the fridge so she can feel some sort of public shame/guilt. I'd like to share some of those HILARIOUS gems with you. *Note: Do not fear- mother has never acted on any of these threats. No need to call CPS. Roz and I do end up on the floor after hearing these outburts, but that's from laughing

• I’m gonna stomp you and punch you in the gut.
• I’m gonna tie you down and squirt this whipped cream down your throat and clog it up.
• See the five fingers of death? They’ll claw your face off and make you feel like a burn victim.
• I don’t want your big, gross face drooling on my pillow.
• I swear Im going to burn the skin off you and peel you like a watermelon.
• I’m gonna get a hot poker and stab your eyes. Leave me alone.
• I almost punched you in the lips and make your face swell up.
• Don’t make me put you in a sleeper hold. I’ll scissor grip your neck with my legs and squeeze until your dumb eyes pop out.
• I just want to harpoon this clothes hanger at your head and maybe it will wrap around your skull and choke you.
• I’ll scrape your eyeballs out.
• I’m gonna crush those glasses into your eyes and make them permanent contacts.
• If you do it again, I’m gonna put your head in a vice and slam your head til its like a falafel.

Who would have guessed...

2 comments:

Sarah said...

my sister once told me that she was going to break a cookie in my eye

Anonymous said...

your mom makes the best cake