Saturday, April 13, 2013

Top Reasons Why I’d Rather Snuggle with a Rabid Possum than go to Coachella

This is only scratching the surface of why this festival gives me severe anxiety. I’m not even going into the asshole celebrities that attend (I would kill to meet any of them), and the thousands of cut-off jorts I’d have to observe.

1. The Music
I’d like to think that I’m a very eclectic person. My top four artists of all-time are Fleetwood Mac, Jason Mraz, Stevie Wonder, and Elisa and the Kidz Kazaam. Wait, you’re not familiar with Elisa and the Kidz Kazaam? Let me tell you who they, sorry, who WE are. Back in the mid-nineties when my list of friends was short and my socks were high, I was a member of a musical group called Elisa and the Kidz Kazaam. We were a gaggle of the most musically inclined kids at East Woods School in Oyster Bay, NY. We came together under the tutelage of Elisa LoPorto, our music teacher, to create sweet, sweet tunes. Some of the gems on our debut album The Hamsters on the Loose include “Cookies”, “Really Feeling Mean”, and “Ode to Dr. Seuss”. We recorded albums, made a music video in an apple orchard, and played gigs at toys stores all over the island. We were like Kidz Incorporated except 1,000 times better. Fuck you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Fergie and AC Slater. Sadly, the group disbanded. It’s the same old story you hear all the time. Playground politics. Here is our album:

Can you tell which one I am?


Freshman year of college, a fella by the name of Shithead gave me “his” phone number after we spoke for a total of 10 minutes (pure love), but when I called it 3 minutes after he left (way to play it cool, me), I discovered it was the number to...THE REJECT HOTLINE. Looking at the Coachella lineup was like when I tried to figure out why Shithead would do that. Confusing, sad, dizzying, traumatizing, soul crushing, nauseating. Time out, just look at this photo of me and Shithead taken 10 minutes prior to the phone number thing. 

I blurred out his face using my fancy iPhoto skills to protect his privacy, EVEN THOUGH HIS ASS DESERVES TO BE PUT ON BLAST. But look how happy he looks! I did leave two things in focus- his blemish and his puka shell necklace-just to show that I ended up the victor. 

OMG look at my skin in this photo. I look like a girl of only 17. 


Out of the billions of performers listed, I only know 18 of them. And by know, I mean I might have read their names in an issue of Rolling Stone magazine that I accidentally picked up thinking it was an issue of J-14 or Teen People (RIP). Bad news: of those 18 bands, I only knew 20 songs total. Good news: 16 of those songs are Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, so that has GOT to get me some sort of street cred.

2. The Heat
The year is 2008, the month is April, the location is Pearl Harbor. SAS had just docked in Hawaii, and my peeps and I decided to go see the historic site. We get there, I wander around a little, start to get a little dizzy, start to hallucinate some talking squirrels like I’m in Enchanted or some shit, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up on the concrete, propped up against some scary dudes hair legs. After spending approximately an hour and a half outdoors in HAWAII, I passed out due to the heat. This was me minutes before the collapse:

So innocent, so naive. When I woke up, mouth full of gross guys leg hair, I had lots of old women patting me on the head, telling me that Pearl Harbor is a very emotional place for lots of people and it's understandable that I couldn’t handle it. BITCH, I’M NOT EMO, I’M HOT. IT’S 200 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. I didn't even get to see the memorial, I passed out by the gatorade vending machines and ATM machine. I didn't even see anything that would have gotten me emotional. Even though grape Gatorade IS pretty tragic. 

I couldn’t make it 2 hours in Hawaii and you want me to spend 72 hours in the desert? The fuck do I look like, Moses? I might be African, but do NOT get confused (I was going to say “don’t get it twisted”, but we all know I can’t pull that shit off), I do NOT do the heat. I get Botox injections under my arms to prevent excessive sweating (au revoir, any potential suitors), and that mess works like a gem. There is not enough Botox in all of Bev Hills to save my poor shirts from the Coachellian heat. 

3. Boys in Tank Tops
Boys in tank tops.

4. Hygiene and Comfort
Where do you sit? Do you want me to sit on the dirt floor aka the ground for 3 days? No, thanks. One day at Fernwood Cove, my sleep away camp, my cabin mates and I sat in a circle telling stories about when we first started to shave our legs. This was in 1999, I said I started shaving in 1997, I really started shaving in 2001. THANKS, MOM FOR LETTING ME BE THE FAT TWEEN WITH HAIRY LEGS. Anyway, little did I know that I was sitting on an ant hill, and about 35 red ants FUCKED UP the back of my thighs. I had to go to the infirmary and lie on my stomach for hours while Sue the nurse treated my wounds. No more nature sitting for me. Here is a photo of our bunk:

Can you tell which one I am?

I completely understand that this is 2013, and I'm sure they have gone to great lengths to accomadate the people with ample lavatories, but I want any one of you to look me in the eyes and tell me that every single person uses/makes it to a proper bathroom facility. 

Bathing. Explain.

I went to a Warped Tour concert (is a called a concert? a show? a performace? whatever) back in the early aughts, and it was the worst experience of my life, not including the disbanding of Elisa and the Kidz Kazaam and the reject hotline thing. Why were there so many people there?! Go away! Give me some space! Stop screaming in my ear and running over my toe with your skateboard! Ugh, and people were spilling beer on my precious polo all day long. PS, if you dont wanna stand out at a Warped show(?), don’t wear a lacoste shirt, a madras skirt, and topsiders. And don’t be black. And what's with all the beer at these festivals/shows, anyways? Can a girl get a daiquiri in this bitch? A lemon drop martini? A Tokyo Tea? Geez.

5. Sexual Deviants
I just feel like there might be a lot of them there. Not everyone, but enough to keep me away.



Lauren Besman said...

Definitely have that album somewhere..Elisa and the Kidz Kazaam, wow.

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