As often stated, I am the Mays family errand gal. Mother needs some gel inserts for her shoes for a cocktail party? Lindsay to Target. Ro needs one of her sparkly, rhinestoned, geometric hemmed, one shoulder tops dry cleaned so she can wear it to a place that doesn’t require a sparkly, rhinestoned, geometric hemmed, one shoulder top? Off to the dry cleaners it is. I have just accepted my duties. Last week, my dearest grandmother asked me to pick up some fresh fruit for her at this little market, and obviously I obliged. I hoped that I would at least get a nice pie with heart-shaped crust cut-outs out of the situation. So I go to this little side of the road joint, and I see no farmers in overalls. I see no little kids with two missing front teeth trying to eat an apple while swinging their legs off the back of a parked pick-up. Something was peculiar. I mosey on up to front door of this place, and there is a note taped to the door that says “Went down the road. Be back in 35 minutes.”
“Went down the road” ??? WTF is this? Its not like you are a nanny leaving a note for the mom saying that you briefly took the kids to the park down the street. You are a BUSINESS! And whats down the road?? The only thing to the right of the market was the parkway, and the only thing to the left of the market was an IHOP. Did you take a hiatus from your place of business for a quick Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity? Were you going to get a chocolate milk and a short stack? Hash browns? Steak sirloin tips and mashed potatoes? By the way, I do not now, nor will I EVER understand or respect people who order dinner foods at IHOP. Not natural. That’s like getting a bagel at Dunkin Donuts or a salad at Burger King. Who does that? ANYWAY, if they had written ,“Went to IHOP, go get your fruit somewhere else”, I honestly probably would have went there and joined them. This is a picture of me at an International House of Pancakes on my 23rd birthday.
I hope that when I do get a job, it is one that will allow me to leave mid-day for some flap jacks.
“Be back in 35 minutes” ??? Again, WTF is this? I DO NOT KNOW WHEN YOU LEFT, THEREFORE I DO NOT KNOW THESE MYSTERIOUS 35 MINUTES WILL BE UP! This is probably my biggest pet peeve in the world besides catfish hair (we will get to catfish hair when I am emotionally stable to tackle that subject). When stores or people say “be back in – minutes” that is no help unless I know when they posted it! Maybe they put the note up 34 minutes ago when I was still at home eating my Cap n’ Crunch and finishing up the previous nights episode of Secret Life of an American Teenager. Or maybe it was two minutes ago and I passed the owners on the street, but didn’t notice them because I was belting out “Eenie Meenie” by the Biebs and Sean Kingston. Either way, it does not help me. I have things to do. I’m a busy lady. I’m like Kelly Ripa. I don’t have time to sit around in my car in the parking lot waiting for you to get back from IHOP so that I can buy some apples for dear old Granny.
So I wait about four minutes in my car and then decide to roll-bounce out of there. I was over this janky little shut-down in the middle of the day market. Guess where my next stop was? PATHMARK! For those of you not in the tri-state area, Pathmark is a janky little grocery store chain. Pathmark is to grocery stores as JC Penney is to department stores. If grandmama can tell the difference between side of the road market apples and grocery store apples, I will happily go pick some apples for her from a tree like when the Von Trapp kids were swinging from those trees wearing rompers made out of curtains.