Sorry, but you are not awesome.

In honor of this crap movie about Facebook coming out in theaters today, I have another Facebook gripe. People, ENOUGH with the backdoor bragging. It’s really becoming an issue for me. I’m just on the book to find incriminating evidence on my enemies (and more importantly, my frenemies) and to keep tabs on but NOT stalk certain people. I don’t wanna log on and have to roll my beautiful, almond shaped eyes because your status is ridiculous. Did you pick up on that little one I snuck in there? See what I just did? Anyway, here are some scenarios to better illustrate my point.

Exercise and Body“ Does anyone have about 30 great workout tunes? I’m about to go on my daily 9 mile run and I need to stay pumped!”

“Ugh, why did I have to workout so much and go from a size 6 to a size 2?! New, small jeans are SOOOOO expensive! Maybe I still have my old jeans from 7th grade in the attic, let me go check.”

Good. For. You. You went to the gym. Do you want a cookie? I bet you do, actually. You are not the only person in the world who works out. You can run like an Etheopian and I can walk like an American. So what. Do me a favor, and pick me up a strawberry frosted donut from one of the four Dunkin Donuts you are bound to pass on your three county jog, Forest Gump.

Boyfriend/Love“ I have gone to three stores looking for a vase that’s big enough to hold the 3 dozen, long-stemmed red roses my boyfriend just gave me for no reason. Suggestions?”

I have a suggestion. Shove the roses up your butt. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for the graphic and bitter comment, but give me a break. He probably went to some gross club like The Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale (for those of you not from Long Island, be glad you’ve never heard of this establishment) and hooked up with some chick that has chunky, Kelly Clarkson circa 2003 highlights and pink frosted lipstick. Ya know what else he’s probably gonna give you? The clap. Are you gonna write about THAT when it happens? Didn’t think so, so just keep the little love fest between the two of you. And your pharmacist.

School/Career“ Can someone lend me their phone? Mine died and I need to call Princeton to let them know that I will be attending in the fall, then I need to call the other 11 schools I was accepted to and turn them down. So busy!”

“Carrying in the mail on Fridays is so difficult ever since I got that huge pay raise- the check is big and heavy!”

Well, aren’t you just a genius and sooooo talented. I went to a janky state school, and I bet I can still spell words like “self-righteous” and “insecure” just as well as you can act them. I don’t care that you went from the mailroom clerk to the jr. assistant in training. Congrats. Now you can use your millions to buy me, your impoverished friend, a drink next the next time we go out. Put your money where my mouth is.

The moral of the story is to just stop because everyone can see what you are doing, and you look dumb. We just don’t care. Frankly, I would have 100% more respect for you if you just came out and declared your awesomeness. “ I won the lotto, I am better than you.” Done. “I lost weight, I am amazing.” Done. “I got a 1600 on the SAT’s and Lindsay Mays took it three times, determined to reach her goal of 1200 but was 10 points shy with an 1190 , HA HA.” Done.